Just so you know, your not alone and your not crazy. I have had these ups and downs your talking about since I was in primary school. I'm now 25 and cannot think of a time where I was actually happy for longer than a couple of days. Even then I still had negative thoughts and feelings. Basically I've never been level. I find it very hard relating to anybody. Almost like I'm an old soul and I just don't fit in. I'm a little different to you though. When I'm around friends I act happy. Make people laugh and usually become the life of the party. In saying that I still don't feel like anybody is on my level. like I'm an outsider. I always worry about things obsessively and they are usually not rational thoughts. I had a really bad crash about 6 weeks ago now. I was so anxious and scared from these irrational thoughts that it felt like I could throw up! I was ready to bang my head against the wall to make the thoughts go away. It was two weeks of this and I literally couldn't function. I realised I cant live like this anymore. I cant have ups n downs and not be ready for them. I've lost jobs, my social life, my mind basically and I'd had enough!! I went to my GP and explained my situation. I was put straight on antidepressants and I must say it did take the edge off after being on them for about 2 weeks. I was also referred to a psychologist and have only had one session with her. My Dr also put me on a quick fix for the anxiety. I haven't fully been diagnosed but its looking like I have a mix of depression, ocd and anxiety that all feed of each other. Its been 4 weeks of medication and I feel like I'm improving which is a great bloody start if you ask me! Do not leave it as late as I did to get help. You don't have to live like this. It might take some meds and therapy but it wont have to be forever. Sometimes people are afraid to ask for help. Don't be! You can get through this!
I read on Facebook today - you may have seen it yourselves:
"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting any worse,
Suicide eliminates the chances of it ever getting better"
This is so true! Everyone has been in a rut before, including me - for years I dealt with the same problem too,
just remember that if you leave before your time, you will never know what you can become!
I can understand a lot of what you are going through. I was always in a state of confusion when I was younger. I always felt like I was so far behind everyone else and I KNEW that I was different than everyone. It is likely you know deep down what you want to be and what you want to do but your mind and your perception are keeping you from discovering that. It is a very difficult thing. A lot of people discover this effortlessly but for some we have to fight and search for it. You may find luck in love and that could be your miracle..... I have seen it before but in my case it was much more. I had to get out of the world of denial that I had lived in for 31 years of my life. I used to hate everyone, then I loved everyone, now I just love some and tolerate others.
DON'T GIVE UP!!!!
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU FEEL THIS WAY AND YOU DID NOT "DO THIS TO YOURSELF" IF YOU DID THEN YOU COULD JUST UNDO IT....
DON'T STOP FIGHTING AND BELIEVING THAT THERE IS A BETTER DAY AND /OR BETTER DAYS AHEAD FOR YOU!!!
GOD LOVES YOU AND I BELIEVE IN YOU....YOU CAN GET BETTER...DON'T GIVE UP!!!
YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE....YOU ARE ON THIS EARTH FOR A REASON AND TO BLESS SOMEBODY...DON'T EVER FORGET THAT!