3 1/2 year old tantrums and refusal to go to sleep

[Parents_Needing_Help]

Recently our 3 1/2 year old little girl, who is an only child, started throwing uncontrollable tantrums when nap or bed time come around.  She can lay in bed for over an hour screaming as if possessed "i don't want to go to night night" or some variation there of, over and over again while kicking and thrashing about in her bed. It began while I (dad) was out of town for a few nights.  Our daughter is very loved, lives in a very stable environment, and has all of her personal needs taken care of.   Her mom does not work and is home with her and cares for her all day.  She also has many toys, attends preschool, has her own play room, and really doesn't want for anything.  We've tried spanking, denial of things she says that she wants, and even put her in the car one late night for a "trip to the orphanage" to get her to stop the tantrums.  The screams, kicking in bed, asking for us to sleep in the bed with her or on the floor next to her bed are now so intense that it is putting an intense emotional strain on my wife and I and it's impacting our own sleep and peace in the home.  While she had normal fits of bad behavior (like most kids this age we believe), they have steadily become worse over the last 4-6 months.  While our family suffered a death (my wife's mom died) and this has impacted all of our emotional well being (especially my wife), our daughter's schedule and day-to-day life has remained 90% unchanged.  We are at a loss as to why she is doing this and any advice to make her stop.  Normally she is a sweet kid with times of bad behavior that are fixed by denying her something, a time-out, a calm loving talk and hug, etc.  However night time is unbearable.  Ay advice is much appreciated.

[kengstrom]

Would it be beneficial to discuss the bad behavior with the child the next day or discipline the child (take away a favorite toy) as a result of the bad behavior from the night before?  I'm not sure a 3-1/2 year old is old enough to understand the reasoning behind the disciplinary action if done the next day?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I should have added:  The rule of thumb is that when tantrums are non-destructive in nature the most prudent approach is to ignore them.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It would be best if you did not intervene at all in this behavior. If she is staying in her bed and screaming, yelling, or whatever, that is really not a behavior you have to address. Let it go. By intervening you are only creating a problem for yourselves. Regard it as 'just noise' and let it be. After a while she will go to sleep.