Withdraw while pregnant? What to do?

[misky123]

I have been addicted to heroin on and off for the past 5 years. I guess mainly on, but I have had a few short stretches of being clean. I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I haven't been to the dr yet to confirm it, but apparently there isn't really such a thing as a false positive on a test. I don't know what to do. I know kicking it myself isn't really safe, but I don't want to go to the doctor and tell them I've been using heroin this whole time. I'm wondering if there's a way to wean myself off relatively quickly before going to the doctor. And then again I wonder if I should just have an abortion and be done with it. Although I've only known about this for less than a week, a large part of me really wants to keep the baby. But what sort of parent would I be? A terrible one, I'm sure. I had an abortion when I was 20 and I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can make a decision at all. Maybe fate will just step in. I don't know. I just can't tell anyone. I don't want any of my friends or family to find out because then I know they'll pressure me into something one way or the other and I don't need them to think I've screwed up even more than they already know.

[Amandag78]

Oh honey, i was addicted to heroin most my life and like you, only short periods of clean time...
There is a high chance of loosing bubby if you withdrawal while pregnant.
It takes alot of courage to admit what your doing to a doctor. But its the right decision while pregnant : )
Ive had 6 babies while on heroin and its just aweful. The guilt is unbearable.
They have programs for pregnant women who use.
You need to get support from a baby doctor so they can work out the best solution for you and bub.
You have a few options to discuss with your doc, all is not lost but if you are not honest with a doctor about your using, this will cause problems later on before bubby is born.
Using anything while pregnant, is so harmful to the fetus, but there are things you can do to minimize the situation.
We are here to support you girl, but please tell your doc : )

[Sonrissa]

Hi Misky, welcome to the forum. You will find lots of advice and support here, no judgement. I can't advise you on whether you should continue with your pregnancy or not. Only you can make that decision. You ask what kind of a parent you will be. You say a terrible one. You certainly don't have to be a terrible parent. You can change and make some good decisions for yourself and your child. If you terminate your pregnancy, then what? Go back to your life addicted to heroin? Maybe, just maybe this is your wake up call, and opportunity to change your life.  What about the father? Is he involved with you, and does he know about your pregnancy and heroin use? You need to have some support. Please consider talking to someone about this.  Also, I strongly agree with Amanda above. Please talk to a doctor, and be completely honest. There are programs for women who are addicted and pregnant. A doctor can help you and your baby go through this safely. Honestly, that is the only way to get through this. Please get to a doctor as soon as you can.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the best. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take care.

[misky123]

Sometimes part of me thinks, "Oh, this will definitely make me quit for good." Then another part of me says that's a joke and I worry about what will happen if I keep the baby and then start using again. I don't want to do that to a kid.

The father is my boyfriend. Things are very bad in our relationship right now because he is tired of my drug use and my whole lifestyle. He cannot take the back and forth with me using. He tried to break up with me a month ago and I went nuts and binged and tried to kill myself. He is with me now, but I think it's just because he's scared of what I'll do. I don't blame him for not wanting to be with me. He doesn't use at all and never has. I am scared to tell him that I'm pregnant. He will hate me for knowing and continuing to use. I just can't stop. Today has been very bad and I spent most of the day practically blacked out. I honestly have no idea what even happened earlier today because I took some other pills on top of my regular amount of heroin. I felt so guilty about it when I was doing it, but I did it anyway.

[Sonrissa]

Honey, you are playing Russian Roulette. If you continue like this you will do harm to your baby, and it may very well kill you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I am truly worried for you. Please. Please reach out and get help now. Do not wait any longer. Get to a doctor ASAP. Be honest and tell them exactly what you are doing. I promise you will feel better to get this off of your chest. Please don't wait. Continue to update this post and let us know how you are doing. I'm saying prayers that you will do the right thing.

[Deborah55]

Hi Misky123,
I'm just like you. I stop for brief periods of time and then wham, I'm back on it again. It is horrible having this disease! Right now I am using and tapering my using by one less bag per week. Then I will go on Suboxone for 8 days and be off. I pray I'm off for good but this disease I've got is very baffeling. I'm 55 yrs old now and I passed this addiction to opiates and heroin onto my two sons who are 34 and 36 yrs old. My sons are on a Methadone Clinic now. My oldest son is doing good. No dirty urines. He is coming down and is going off because his new wife is a angel and he really loves her and wants to do good. He finally found something in this world that he loves more than Heroin. My youngest son has had dirty urines and is on probation with his counselor at the Methadone Clinic. I live with him, his wife and daughter. My granddaughter is 4 yrs old now. Her mother went on Methadone then delivered her and the baby doctor weaned the baby using Tincture of Opium. It worked!!!! She is a very happy, healthy, and beautiful little girl. My only grandchild and probably the only one I'll ever have. So getting back to you and your situation. I think it is a great idea for you to look for a doctor who deals with patients pregnant and using. They are the experts when it comes to mother and baby safety. I will say a prayer that everything comes out good for you whatever you decide to do. I know this is a hard decision to make. I was there for my daughter-in-law when she needed someone to just LISTEN!! No judgementing or telling her what she should do but just giving her some options. You have the option to have your baby safely with a obstetrician who knows how to handle your situation. Also there is abortion like you said or giving the baby up for adoption if you feel you can't go through with an abortion again. As for being a good mother, I don't know you well enough to say"You would make a good mother.". Only your heart can tell you that. Good luck and let us know what happened with you. May GOD Bless you and keep you.

[nonny419]

First ,I am a midwife,and yes withdrawal and trying to do this alone is not your best options, I know your scared but you can't taper down heroin because you have now idea what the hell is in it or the purity of it. So you have choices ,You go to a rehab and take care of yourself and baby and think of what it means to raise a child. That means baby first. You can trick yourself,that a baby will keep you clean ,only you can do that..I see baby's suffer through withdrawal so if you decide to do this ,please,get help a low and dose of Methadone,or Suboxal. I have raised 5 kids and being a parent is a life long commitment ,but it also is the most rewarding thing in the world. My Prayers to help you choose. Think it all the way through,babies need a family and stability,only you can make that decision.  

[Deborah55]

I agree with you nonny419. Trying to do less and less heroin is NOT the way to go! Missky123, if you want to do it safely go the route Nonny419 explained. Good Luck Love.
Deborah

[Jinx_777]

you cared enough about the baby to come to this forum seeking advice.  that tells me, if you really want to, you can be a great mom.
there really is never a 'good' time to stop when you are using, but when you love something else more than  you love the drug you can do amazing things.
i get the feeling you really want to have the baby and are asking for support. you can do this.  first thing is to get to a doctor who can help you.

[dominosarah]

You cant keep this secret to yourself.  Reach out and get the help you need, it will save your life and this baby's~

[misky123]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your advice and experiences. I am still struggling to figure out what is right and what the right thing to do is. I feel like the right thing to do would be to have the baby, but then I don't know if that really is the best thing for everyone involved. I don't know if I can commit to staying clean, even for my own child. How terrible is that? Meanwhile, the guilt of hiding it and everything else that I am doing is driving me crazy and it's making me isolate myself more than before because I'm so scared of the judgment and opinions of everyone I know in real life.

Apparently I am around 10 weeks along, according to an online estimator I found. I don't know when my period last was and I don't have regular periods, so that could be totally off. I know I cannot put off going to the doctor any longer, but I can't see myself going. As horrible as it sounds, I have been hoping to just have a miscarriage or something so I can start to rationalize that it wasn't my fault and that's just what was meant to be. Like always, I just want to easy way out and to not have to put in any effort or make any tough decisions. This is one reason I got to where I am...

Sorry to basically just complain about myself here. I don't know what I'm doing.

[Amandag78]

Hey just checking in on you today : )
I went on the Subutex program while i was pregnant, i stopped using heroin completly.
This is probably your safest option at the moment if you want to keep bubby.
Or you could let nature take it cause and see how you go.
You are not a terrible person, you must understand, an addiction is terrible.
If you want to know exactly how far pregnant you are, you must see a doctor for an ultrasound.
If you can remember what date your last period started, that would be day 1 of the start of your pregnancy.
Then you count 40 weeks and thats your due date.
Try not to have anymore pills if you can help it, as your already using heroin.
I had success with the Subutex program and havent used heroin or ice in over 2 1/2 years.
I stopped subutex over 9 months ago and havent looked back.
Sorry i also said i had 6 babies while using heroin, i meant to say it was only with 2 and  1 child born on subutex.
None of my babies showed signs of withdrawals, but you must understand, this is quite uncommon.
Subutex has a good success rate with helping to stop withdrawals in babies.
Some babies withdrawal terribly on it, some babies just a little and some babies dont withdrawal at all.
Let us know how your feeling today : )

[misky123]

I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant really late last night/this morning and he flipped out, I guess mainly because I have been hiding it from him and just continuing to use. I am still unsure of what I want to do. I am going to be forced to call a doctor today and make an appointment. He is the type that if I don't know it, he will do it and physically drag me there. I don't know if I'm ready to tell a doctor about my drug use at this point. I'm sure I probably won't be able to hide it and I'm sure my boyfriend would tell them even if I don'

[Deborah55]

I am so sorry to hear your boyfriend flipped out when you told him you were pregnant. If you decide to go through with the pregnancy maybe in time he will be ok with it. I think you are right about keeping it from your boyfriend though. I am on Subotex. It is for opiate and heroin abuse. I have been in recovery for 35 years, off and on clinics, detox programs etc...and I notice that I do better when I am on a maintenace program. I just started on Wednesday. They started me on 4 mg of subotex last Wednesday and 8 mg on Thurs,Fri, and Sat. I feel better but still have the urge to use. I told them that and they said to wait a few days and they will up my dose to 12 mg per day. I'm not hurrying this time to get off of the maintenance drug because I know myself.

[Deborah55]

Amanda, the clinic just raised my dose to 12 mg of subutex. I don't feel any better and I have to stay on the 12 mg for a week before they can raise my dose again. When you were on the subutex, what was your highest dose and how did you taper off the subutex?

[Amandag78]

Hey Deb, i was on 32mg daily and had no cravings or urge to use. I had energy everyday and a clear head to have daily routine. I was really happy on Subs because i felt normal.
When i started my taper i did it over 5 months and jumped at .08 of a mg.
I was told to taper by 2mg at a time, which i did, but i also got impatient and sometimes would taper 3 times a week.  I was still ok though, till i got down to 4mg and got stuck at that dose for a month or 2. I was tired all the time on 4mg and withdrew twice, not intense but enough to scare me.
Then because i was sick anyway i just kept going with my taper and didnt stop till i got below 1mg.
I was pretty sure because i showed signs of withdrawling while tapering, that jumping wouldnt be too intense.
Luckily enough i was right and didnt have any withdrawals while doing my detox.
I had clonidine and valium from the subutex clinic and used them for 8 days then stopped.
I guess maybe the meds worked, and i only took them both once at night instead of 4 hourly like prescribed.
We all get told slow and steady for a taper and this is why i showed signs of w/d's because mine was too rapid for the mg i was on.
But i wouldnt change a thing if i had to do it over.
I also started getting anxiety on my taper, so 3 weeks before jumping i got prescribed effexor xr.
3 weeks was enough time for the effexor to start working so i didnt get depression in my detox which was a blessing.
Took me 6 months to get my energy back after stopping subs.
I just detoxed off effexor 7 days ago and im feeling like me again. I must let everyone know who reads this, taper at the advice of your own doctor, dont copy others as we all need an individual taper schedule.!!!!
I should of sent you a pm but then i'd have to rewrite it : )
Hey Misky, let us know how your doing : )

[misky123]

I have a doctor appointment at the end of this week. I didn't mention my drug use when I made the appointment. I am just continuing to use what I have been until then. I have tried a few times to use less, but it just makes me more sick than it normally would before I was pregnant. When I made the appointment I was dreading having to quit using. The more I think about it over the past several days I guess I know it's the right thing to do. I feel disgusting.

[Jinx_777]

ask the doctor about going on subutex.  please, it would be a lot safer for the baby and you.  

[devisatedandscared]

Your story is heartbreaking, I cannot imagine what your going thru ( my period button isnt working so forgive my lack of punctuation )  being pregnant is hard enough, must less the lack of support your receiving from bf, and the addiction you are battling  I have a friend whom battled addiction for years, had 5 children during her drug use, and has no relationship with any of them  It wasnt until she had the last one that something changed for her, she knew it was the end of her love for H and turned it around for her baby She is a beautiful mom now and lives for her children, she has 5 more now lol Shes heavily involved in helping others in your situation, she is truly one of the most amazing women i know
I believe your heart will show you the way, and you will do the right thing for you and your baby    please keep posting, im pulling for you, and all the others out there in your position      

[misky123]

I am sure they will put me on a maintenance drug. I still can't imagine telling the doctor about everything, but there is no way I can physically hide it. I still don't know if I can go through with the appointment. I keep telling myself that I will, but am just praying that the week goes by as slow as possible.
It is not so much that my bf is unsupportive. He's pissed at me for suspecting I was pregnant for a little while and continuing to use, then knowing and not telling him and continuing to use, and now still not sure what I'm going to do and yet again just continuing to use. I don't blame him. He had already tried to break up with me 2 times since the end of July due to my drug use, but this has just pushed him over the edge I guess. I think he hates me. He can't understand how I can consider possibly choosing a drug over having the baby.

[Amandag78]

Hey girl : )
Hang in there, just be honest please. You will feel so much better and less stressed if the doctor knows. They will help you : )
I can understand your boyfriends frustration, but it is what it is. Your carrying his child now and he needs to support you. Its hard for a person who doesnt use, they dont understand the hold it has on us.
Your not choosing drugs over your baby, your an addict, you have an illness that needs to be treated.
Get your partner to come on here and ask a question so that we can educate him on the disease of addiction.
Take care girl, we are here for you xx

[Deborah55]

Hey Amanda,
I am on Subutex 12mg a day and still need to increase that dose. I've been an addict for over 35 years and I guess my tolerance is extremely high.
Two nights ago I had an injury to my back. A utility shelf fell on me and I was trapped under it. I had to go to the ER and I found out that I had 3 broken posterior ribs. It hurts all the time and I can't even ride in a car because everytime my daughter hits a bump in the road, I yell . The ER doctor gave me a script for Oxycodone 10 mg and I did fill it and tried it but it did not touch this back pain at all. The doctor gave me 12 tablets enough until I see my PCP. My PCP was on vacation when this happened a couple days ago. I am going back to the ER tonight and see if they can bind my torso so it won't hurt as much and I will have better support for my ribs.
If it's not one thing, it's another. Take care.

[Amandag78]

Deb i just sent u a pm : )
Misky, how you doing today ??

[GoodKat]

Hey Girl, I never did heroin, but over 10 years on fentynal patches and did detox with Suboxon, but it was the most miserable experience of my life! I can't imagine putting a tiny baby through that Hell, which is what will happen if you use throughout an entire pregnancy to birth.

As far as aborting the baby, I had abortions when young, or necessary, but if you're only considering an abortion because you can't get a guarantee that you can stay off of heroin for the rest of your life, all wrapped up in a nice big bow, that's not a reason to have one. The program of recovery is one day at a time, none of us can look in the mirror and guarantee we will never drink or drug again! I'll have 23 years alcohol free this February, all one day at a time. I do not claim "sobriety" for all those because I was on prescribed narcotics for over 10 years. Regardless that I had to, I worked a program that taught me that using any mood altering substance is a relapse. It will be 3 years this November since I went into detox and stopped the narcotics. I did it because I was about to be a grandma and regardless of how much pain I'm in, I wanted to be a close, loving, hands-on grandmother to them. That was my motivation, we all have our own reasons.

I found this forum, however while looking up pain medications (hoping to justify asking doc for something again) because, since July, a new health problem has attacked me and they can't figure out what is causing it, but the pain has been unbearable and I haven't even been able to care for the babes for over 2 months, which put me back on my pity pot, with that incessant, "stinking thinking"... but instead of finding justification to take pills again, I somehow, got in here! Now I feel renewed, by sharing and listening, and again, I've made it another day, and another...this is how it works!

I'm going to speak honestly to you now. What I am hearing is a very sick woman, and the heroin use is the result of not receiving the treatment you need for your mental health. Threatening suicide, "my boyfriend is only staying with me because he's afraid of what I might do, I'll be a terrible mom, I'm disgusted with myself, I'm embarrassed"...you get the picture, don't you? It sounds to me like you need psychiatric help as well as help for your addiction to heroin. If you think your unique, think again! Even in the DSM (doctor's manual of diagnosis), your symptoms are right there, listed as "dual diagnosis", which means that you've become an addict because you can't stand living in your own skin!

Would you be saying the same things about yourself if you had cancer? A brain tumor? Multiple-sclerosis? I doubt it. Mental illness is no more your fault then any other disease. We need to stop stigmatizing people with mental illnesses and addiction, starting with ourselves!  It's an illness, no less serious, and no more your fault than if you had cancer! This back and forth you're doing with your boyfriend, in my opinion, is just your sick brain telling you to hide your drug addiction, because as long as you can hide it, you can keep using without feeling the guilt and responsibility you are assigning to yourself, as your fault.  All that is doing is making you feel worse, which makes you want to use more, and around and around you go! I'm hearing, in your words, that you're also suffering with, at least, depression. (I'm just a social worker, in recovery, not a psychologist, so I'm in no place to diagnose you), but there are people who can!

All you need to do, right now, is the 1st step, admit you are powerless over your disease and you cannot control it. When you come to grips with that, you can take the next baby step and reach out for help. I don't know where you live, I'm in Oregon where Planned Parenthood will actually help you, even to obtain an abortion if that is what you decide to do, (I do not want you to go somewhere that is actually only pro-life, anti-choice, masquerading as a legitimate facility) but you, just you, right now, need help. You have nothing to be ashamed of! You have a disease that needs treatment.

You can have a wonderful life, have all your dreams come true without dragging that heavy ball and chain of addiction. Think small. Just today. Not forever. Nobody knows their future! You found this forum for a reason and you reached out for help, I think that is your first step, you can take another! All my best! ❤️Kathy

[clean_in_ks]

Couple of questions/observations for you GoodKat.....

I'm pretty sure your post was intended for Misky123 not Amadag78~

You said above that you had abortions when you were young, or it was necessary in your life~
Misky123 has those very same choices and decisions to make for herself.

You say you are narcotic free....but I thought I read that you were on suboxone and valium.  

Not meaning to call you out.....just read some conflicting comments.